Secrets
by Pantherlily
Summary: A continuation of my fic 'Nightmares.' Don't have to read it to understand this but it'd be helpful. Reid-centric. Rated T for later chapters for minor swearing.
1. Prologue

Author's Note:

Due to a request to keep Reid's journal going, I have come up with this. Each chapter will deal with how Reid feels/perceives a team member, past and present. First chapter is short, as it is just a set up of things to come. Post 6X18, Lauren. Expect spoilers aplenty.

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"_Secrets are made to be found out with time." – Charles Sanford_

March 22, 2011_  
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After my last entry, I have come to the conclusion that we all have secrets. I guess writing about my own internal struggles made me realize I'm not the only one who has kept things from my team, no, my family. And yet when the truth finally does come out, the reaction is always the same. Surprise, anger, hurt. I wonder why, since we all hold something back at sometime or other. It's like we're all just a bunch of hypocrites. But if emotions were rational, life would be a whole lot easier. Eventually though, we understand and all is forgiven. To quote a boisterous donkey, "That's what friend's do. They forgive each other."

The headaches and nightmares have gotten worse since Emily's death. Well, the nightmares would be worse if I was sleeping at all. I can't believe she is gone. I can hardly breathe just thinking about it. I never got to say goodbye. I don't cry anymore when I think about it but it's still hard to concentrate. A week has gone by since her funeral but it's still fresh in my mind. Even now, I feel the visceral reaction in the pit of my stomach. This feeling was even worse than Gideon leaving. At least with Gideon, I have the chance to see him again. But Prentiss is gone. Forever.

Besides Garcia, I think I'm the one taking it the hardest. It's hard to say, since we all deal with pain differently. Hotch is stoic like usual. Morgan seems more angry than sad. Rossi is deflecting conversation with his brand of dry humor. Seaver is withdrawn. JJ seems to be taking it surprisingly well, but I can see the pain in her eyes.

I digress though, because I've gotten way off track from my initial thought process. Honestly, I'd rather think about anything else other than how I'm really feeling right now. As mentioned before, my last entry got me thinking and I have been reflecting back on when team member's past have come up or even when current things going on caught the rest of us by surprise.

What an inopportune time for a migraine to occur. Even without the constant throbbing in my head, I'm not sure if I'd be able to concentrate on this for much longer. My thoughts keep drifting to everything that transpired in the Doyle case. Lack of sleep isn't helping me any either. Despite the incessant pulsation in my head, I think I'm going to try and come up with a new song on my electronic keyboard. I found that playing it has helped to soothe me in the past. Another quote springs to mind, this one from Plato. "Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and everything." My mind is always processing things at a fast rate, but this is getting ridiculous. Very rarely does my mind work faster than I can keep up with. I'll try to write again at a later date, when my head is clearer and I can stay on task.


	2. Gideon

Author's Note:

So, I think the chapters in this fic are all going to be short but I think it works out well with how I am going about it. Enjoy!

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March 23, 2011

**Jason Gideon:**

In my first entry I talked about Gideon leaving. Thinking back on it now, despite how close we were, I don't think I ever really knew him that well. He'd always been there for me when I needed him but he rarely spoke about himself.

It never occurred to me how much of a mystery he is to me until just now, while I sit here and think about it. All I can do is, at best, make guesses about his personal life. He wore a wedding band, but I don't think he was married in the time that I knew him. The logical conclusion was he was divorced, but why keep the ring? My only guess is that he loved that person very much.

Once I had over heard him and Hotch talking about his son, Stephan. Gideon never spoke of him to me but I got the feeling the two were estranged. I think maybe that is why he took such in interest in me. He saw his son in me. I was just as much as a surrogate son as he was my surrogate father. In that respects we complimented each other, because we were both looking to fill a void in our lives.

At one time, I would have told you he was the man I respect and admire most. But that has passed on to someone else now. Another revelation. Who knew writing to yourself could reveal so much about yourself that you didn't seem to know until you put it down on paper? I didn't think I would like this or even be good at it, but I'm starting to get used to it and the words flow easily and quickly for me with every stroke of my pen.

I was the new guy on the block when Gideon had sent in six agents into a building and then died in an explosion. He took a leave of absence for six months. I guess I should have known then, that the team would be able to function without him. But when he left for good almost three years later after his sabbatical, I thought for sure the team would cease to work. A part of me thought if that the team failed in their role then Gideon would come back and everything would be back to normal, the way it was supposed to be. Really, I just missed my friend. I wanted to feel the connection I had lost as child when my father walked out. And with his sudden departure, it was like my dad walking out on me all over again. For awhile I quit playing chess. It took a child's challenge to make me realize that I shouldn't give up just because Gideon had.

Gideon working for the CIA was probably the biggest surprise to not only me, but the rest of the team as well. In retrospect, perhaps it shouldn't have been. He was a pretty paranoid. I mean, the guy had cameras all around his cabin and motion detectors that triggered an alarm when someone crossed his property line. I often wondered what had pushed him to such extremes but then came Frank. Grant it, he'd been paranoid before Frank and I wonder if it was because of people like Frank that had pushed Gideon into paranoia to begin with.

I guess you could say that Frank was Gideon's nemesis. The one who got away. Not once, but twice. A large part of the reason Gideon had left. Frank had killed his girlfriend. Frank had come for Gideon at his apartment but instead he found her. I can't imagine the pain and torment it caused my mentor. The guilt must have been unbearable. Then when Hotch got suspended, it just sent him over the edge. I don't think leaving the way he did was the right thing to do but I understand it. At first, the note left for me had left me more questions than answers. But after much thinking, I think I finally get it. I don't agree with it but I understand it. It took a couple of years for me to accept it but at least I finally got closure.


	3. Hotch

Author's Note:

This part is longer than the last two combined. I hadn't meant it be as such, just the way it turned out. Heavy spoiler alert for The Reaper story arc, as it takes up a large chunk of this entry. Thanks to all the subscriptions and reviews! You have no idea how much they all mean to me.

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March 24, 2011

**Aaron Hotchner:**

So after last night's entry, I realized that Hotch was the man who had my utmost respect. Despite his serious demeanor that some find off putting, I find it comforting. He's strong, physically and emotionally. And yet the compassion he has is profound. He cares deeply for his team and I'm convinced that somewhere deep inside that Hotch is just a big softie. This has only been reaffirmed by the few times I've seen him interact with Jack. It's like he's a whole other person when his son around. I think because he's our boss, he feels the need to set an example. And Aaron Hotchner is definitely a man to lead by example. Sometimes I wish I could be more like him and then maybe I wouldn't feel so out of place at times. But I'd never want the job he has. He carries a heavy burden but he does it magnificently.

When I first met Hotch, I was nervous. I'd heard rumors about Hotch in the academy. It turns out none of them are true. Maybe except for that glare he has mastered so well. Once he had joked about the "Reid Effect" with a grieving brother when a dog barked at me. That's okay, because I consider his stern gaze the "Hotchner Effect." I've never told him that and I probably never will. We all have our secrets, right?

As much as I hate thinking about Tobias Hankle, I attribute my safety from his clutches to Hotch. Technically speaking, I saved myself because I had managed to shoot my captor on my own but I still can't help but feel like Hotch was the one who saved me that day. I knew he'd understand why I had called him a narcissist. I hugged him afterward and I could tell he was uncomfortable based on his posture. He isn't a touchy-feely kind of guy but since he's an alpha male it isn't that surprising.

Hotch did his best not let his personal life bleed into work and vice versa but every once in awhile it happened anyway. He was a proud father and husband. They seemed like the perfect family. I didn't even know Haley and he were having marital problems, until he had been served his divorce papers. Right there in the office, in front of us all. He announced it like it wasn't a big deal. But the way he walked away, you knew it was hard on him. Eighty percent of all communication is body language and his very subtle slump of his shoulders told the entire story. He wasn't just losing his wife. He was losing his best friend.

The Reaper. I'd say that he's Hotch's nemesis but if I keep saying we all have a nemesis I feel like I'm comparing us to The Justice League where we fight villains like The Joker and Lex Luther. Anyway, it all started in Boston for Hotch years ago. It was one of his first cases. It went unsolved because the killer had stopped killing. It turns out the detective on the case had made a deal to stop hunting him, if the killer stopped killing. The detective died and the killings started again. Hotch had been offered the same deal, and he refused. Then a blood bath on a bus ensued and I know he blames himself for the deaths of the innocents who died that night. We finally closed in on Foyet, The Reaper, and we arrested him. Unfortunately, he escaped from jail.

Then it happened. The Reaper was back and this time he came after Hotch in his own apartment. Damn near stabbed to death and then dumped off at hospital like a rag doll. We hadn't known at first, because we were working a case. Of course we all thought it was weird he hadn't answered his phone. Hotch was almost always the first in to work or at the very least the first to respond when we got a call about a case. If I hadn't been racing to save someone else's life, I would have taken time to contemplate my superior's unusual absence. Eventually, Prentiss got worried enough to go check up on him. Then I got the phone call from her. I agreed we shouldn't tell anyone else what was going on because we needed everyone to stay focused on the case. It'd been hard for me to keep focus, myself but I managed to stay on task and even save a guy's life. Grant it, I got shot in the process but that didn't matter. Hotch was in trouble. My leg wound paled in comparison to Hotch's situation. Even in a hospital bed looking pale and death, he managed to be in control and stoic.

After he had been cleared by a physician and a psychiatrist, Hotch came back to work. He was a little more abrupt than usual and even a little grumpier. Not that I could blame him. He had dodged death and had to send his family away to keep them safe from Foyet. Despite his own demons he was fighting, he realized that he needed to step down as Unit Chief. Admirable. He still thought of his team first and what was best for them. Now there's a man who knows when to fight and when to walk away and still be a strong as a rock.

I don't know how he keeps it all together so well. Sometimes he lets an unsub get under his skin and his temper will flare but rarely do you seem Hotch lose it completely. The two instances I can think of involve that bastard Foyet. I can't help the vehemence I feel when I think about him but when you come after my family, it becomes personal and I can't help but feel the anger wash over me all over again. When Hotch was on the phone with Haley when she had been taken captive, we had all listened in. I don't know how Hotch stayed so focused and he did a wonderful job of feeding the man's fantasy and ego but it just wasn't enough. I could hear the crack in his voice when he talked to Jack and told him to hug his mother. Although I couldn't see his face, I could tell by his heavy breathing he was crying and heard the sharp inhale of breath when the shots went off. Then the call was lost with a slam, probably Hotch throwing the phone out of frustration. The silence that followed was so thick that it was almost tangible. I feel like we had somehow invaded a private part of his life. We had been privy to something that wasn't meant for our ears.

We raced faster still at speeds that were neither legal nor safe and when we got there the Suburban came to screeching halt. I hated having to wait outside until the rest of the team cleared the house. But with my cane and limp, I couldn't go in until it was safe. As much as I hated to admit it, I'd have only been a liability if I'd rushed in with them. It took effort and control to stay in place and I tapped my fingers against my cane impatiently. JJ comes out, her beautiful face so pale. She looks sick to her stomach and the look in her eyes isn't comforting. Worry takes a hold of me and I fight the urge to panic. I hobble over to her as quickly as possible and despite all my nagging questions, I make sure she is okay first. I put my other arm around her and give her sideways hug because she looks like she could really use one right about now. I try to find my voice but only manage to say her name as I trail off, despite the question that is first and foremost in my mind. She knows what I'm thinking because she tells me Hotch is fine. Foyet and Haley are both dead and Jack is MIA.

I double check to make sure she is really okay and then we head into the house together. We find Hotch with Jack and I feel a sense of relief, though it is short lived when I take one look at Hotch. I watched JJ leave with Jack and I hesitate for just a moment. Hotch wouldn't be as receptive to a hug as JJ had been and there are no adequate words to express how I feel, so I said nothing and walked to where Rossi and Prentiss are standing in the hallway. No words are spoken between us. Hotch walked by us, a haunted look in his eyes. The house is so quiet I can hear Morgan wish his sincerest condolences. Morgan walks out of the room, wearing the same expression as the rest of us. It's a mix of horror and pain. The three of them leave. Morgan gave me a pat on the shoulder as he walked away. I lingered yet again and the sobs I hear coming from the room is almost unnatural to hear. Instinctively I wanted to comfort him, but again I just walked away. I know Hotch would rather be alone right now and I knew he'd never want anyone to see him like this. He prides himself on being strong and being seen as a broken man was not something he'd want anyone to bear witness to. I left the house with uttering a word to anyone.

Hotch was resilient, he kept it together at the funeral. I think having Jack to take care of helped him, that and the promise he had made to Haley. After time off, he took his place as Unit Chief once more, he's rightful place in the BAU. Slowly, things went back to some semblance of normalcy for Hotch.

I've been trying hard not to think about Emily's death but I just realized something. I probably would have noticed it sooner if I hadn't been so shocked at her death. At the hospital JJ stopped me from going up to see Prentiss. And although I don't know what words were exchanged between her and Hotch, I think I have an inkling now. The funeral had been closed casket. Her mother hadn't come to the funeral. Doyle was still out there. Poor Hotch, if what I think is true then he is carrying a heavier burden then I realize. I wish I could share it with him but I know that I can't. It wouldn't be safe, not with Doyle still alive. Doyle is too much of a dangerous man for me to confront Hotch or JJ or to even voice my suspicions to my other colleagues. If what I suspect is true I need to remove this last paragraph immediately…


	4. Morgan

Author's Note:

There is an ending note at the bottom of the chapter for clarification purposes. Thanks for the reviews and subscriptions!

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March 25, 2011

**Derek Morgan:**

The last page got smeared with jelly on the last paragraph and I had to remove it so the whole notebook wouldn't get sticky. It kind of bothers me, because the page is now torn and I thought about rewriting the entry all over again but I think I'll leave it as is. Luckily, I don't write on both sides of the paper. I never have. I don't like the way words are see through on the other side and how the words kind of jumble together when both sides of the paper are written on. Anyway, I should get back to the task at hand.

Morgan. He and I are pretty close. He's like my older brother. At first though, I didn't think he liked me. He constantly teased me and sometimes he could just be a downright jerk. I realized quickly though that for him teasing me was his way of showing his affection. The few times I felt he was being mean, I don't think that was his intent. He likes to joke around a lot and sometimes he just takes them too far.

I can think of an instant that sticks out the most. A little over six years ago, I failed my firearms proficiency test. Of course it left me feeling dejected and less like an Agent despite what Hotch and Gideon said. Morgan just couldn't resist rubbing my face in it. The next day at the office he gave me a whistle and told me to blow on it if I needed help. I never told him, but he'd hurt my feelings with that. I'd even go as far as to say he had made me made me a little angry. That day we had an LDSK case and I was taken hostage with Hotch. We made it out okay because Hotch made the unsub feel like I wasn't a threat and just some pathetic snot nosed kid who didn't know how to shoot a gun. Turns out I did okay, since when I got a hold of Hotch's ankle holstered gun my aim was dead on. No pun intended there. Really, all I could hear was Morgan's mocking voice in my head and I don't know if it helped but it sure did motivate me. Afterward Morgan came up to me to see if I was okay, I just gave the whistle back and walked away without a word.

I got mad at him one other time, but not for playing a trick on me. I had told him I was having nightmares and he went straight to Hotch and Gideon with it. Perhaps I was more hurt than angry. I felt like he violated my trust. I had told him about the nightmares in confidence. I know now, it was his way of helping me. But at the time it didn't make the betrayal feel any less painful.

When Morgan was in Chicago visiting his family, he got taken in for questioning by police under suspicion of killing a child. He is the most aggressive on the team. The first one to break down a door or take on an unsub. But the thought of him killing a child is ridiculous. Our team quickly got involved and Morgan didn't make it easy to clear him. He was defensive during questioning and if I hadn't known Morgan at all I could see why the detectives there thought he was guilty. His body language said he was hiding something and then he fled police custody. Things weren't looking good for him. I wasn't there when they arrested Buford, the man behind the killing. It turns out he was also a child rapist and while Morgan had never talked about it with me, I put two and two together on my own. That's why he had been so defensive. He was hiding something. He didn't want anyone to know he'd been molested as a child. When I realized what had happened, I wanted to say something but what do you say to something like that? We deal with pedophiles in my line of work a lot, but this time it seemed worse. It had happened to someone I know. I never spoke to him about it and he never brought it up. From time to time, I think about saying something. To let him know that me or anyone else on the team is here for him if he ever wants to talk. But I suppose he already knows that.

Garcia got shot and almost died. I was surprised that Morgan wasn't running around trying to find the killer, considering his brash nature. Those two are really close. The bond between those two is like nothing I've seen before. Their flirting has got be violating the sexual harassment policy. It doesn't bother me any at all. I find their banter amusing. Anyway, somehow Morgan managed to keep his cool. He even stayed with Garcia to keep her safe, which turned out to be a good idea because her shooter came after her again. Really, Morgan is fiercely loyal to us all. To be honest, I feel sorry for anyone who hurt one of us and Morgan got hold of them. I don't think it would end well for the unsub.

For awhile there, I thought Morgan was going to leave the BAU. He had been offered the job as Unit Chief in New York City. The Bureau was looking to replace Kate Joyner, after a series of killings. It turns out that it was a terrorist cell. Kate was killed from an explosion. We discovered a hospital was the real target of the terrorists attack and everything else had just been tests for their primary goal. I don't know what Morgan was thinking when he drove the ambulance with the bomb to the middle of nowhere. I understand what he was trying to do and he was successful but what he did was very careless and reckless. But that's Morgan for you. Always one to act before thinking everything through. I'm not sure if Morgan didn't want it or maybe Hotch didn't recommend him for the Unit Chief position but either way Morgan stayed with our unit.

So, yet again Foyet finds a way to hurt someone close to me. He knocked Morgan unconscious, took his credentials, and left a bullet to taunt Derek with. We aren't supposed to let the unsubs get into our heads, but I'm pretty sure Foyet got into Morgan's. He took the missing identification pretty personally. He took it even harder when Foyet used his ID to drop off Hotch at the hospital after stabbing him. If Hotch hadn't been the one to beat Foyet to death, I'm pretty sure Morgan would have had no qualms doing it himself.

Morgan had done an excellent job as Unit Chief when Hotch stepped down temporarily. I think he took it reluctantly but he rose to the challenge. He'd refused Hotch's office and got lucky when one opened up due to another FBI agent retiring. He even wore a suit, like Hotch. Not the classic and stereotypical G-Man suit but a nice suit nonetheless. It'd been awhile since Morgan had put a suit on. He wore one when I first started. I'm not sure if was trying to be professional or get attention but he gradually went more casual as the years went by.

I think the LA blackouts were one of the harder cases for Morgan. A serial killer was on the loose and killing when there were blackouts. It turns out the serial killer was targeting a detective by the name of Matthew Spicer. Morgan worked alongside Spicer the most. The two eventually figure out where the unsub will be next and go to the location without back up. Billy Flynn, the unsub, most have got the drop on them because he tied Morgan up and killed Spicer in front of him. I could be wrong, but I think Morgan feels responsible for Spicer's death. I know he feels responsible for Ellie, Spicer's daughter, because he had promised Spicer he would take care of her. Flynn had taken her hostage. Morgan was temperamental with all of us, even Garcia. I understand why he had been, we all did but it didn't mean it made working with him any easier. Flynn ends up letting Ellie go and we chase him down to where he has taken a couple held hostage. Flynn demands that Morgan come inside but Hotch is hesitant. I wasn't surprised that Morgan said he'd go in anyway. Morgan ends up killing Flynn, to save the life of a hostage. Taking the life of someone else, even if it is an unsub, is never easy but I think Morgan found some kind of satisfaction when he pulled the trigger. Morgan had let it get personal for him but I guess we all do that from time to time, despite our best efforts not to. Ellie had been placed in foster care and for awhile there would text Morgan several times a day and she even ran away from California all the way to Virginia to see him. He didn't seem to mind and took it all in stride and managed to have the Ellie's mother tracked down to live with her. I don't know if it'd been legally possible, but I'm pretty sure Morgan would have tried his hardest to find the girl a good place to be if the mother hadn't measured up to his standards.

Morgan is a good guy and despite all his male bravado, he can get pretty emotional at times. He's easily the one with the shortest temper but he makes up for it by how he pours everything he has into solving a case. He cares about the victims and their families, probably because he can identify with them better than any of us.

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Ending Note:

Since this is in diary format it'd be impossible for me to explain this without making a side note of it outside the story. In the entry about Hotch, Reid realizes that Emily is still alive and that Hotch knew about it. While it is unlikely, it is still possible someone else could find his diary and read it so he tore out the last paragraph and burned it. The beginning paragraph is a lie but to sell it he puts a smudge of his fingerprint with jelly in the margin where the page is torn. Reid goes to this much trouble because he knows Doyle is dangerous and smart. So he leaves nothing to chance. He does it to keep the team safe. I just wanted to make sure it was understood that the first paragraph in this entry wasn't true and why.


	5. Rossi

Author's Note:

I struggled with this entry. Mainly because I have a hard time liking Rossi's character and I had to put aside my own distaste, to write like Reid was talking about him. Hope it turns out okay. Loving the reviews and subscriptions! You all make me happy! Thanks!

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March 26, 2011

**David Rossi:**

Rossi and I aren't really close. In fact, I think that may be my fault. It's not that we don't get along, we do. But I think I put him off when I started reciting his books word for word on the first day we met. I couldn't help it. I was excited to meet the legendary David Rossi. I've read all his books. There have been many times I've wanted to ask him what happened at Ruby Ridge but I manage to restrain myself. He hadn't discussed it in his books for a reason. In time perhaps this secret will reveal itself and if it does then I hope it's not as damaging as Emily's was. I don't think the team could take another emotional hit. At least not right now anyway.

He seems the closest to Hotch. They have been friends, even before he came back to the BAU after ten years. I'm pretty sure he came back because of the unsolved case in Indianapolis. He had unfinished business that needed resolution and closure. At first, it seemed like he wasn't going to be a team player but really he was just adjusting to having to work with a team. When the BAU was first created they had worked cases solo. Eventually he grew comfortable with our group and was quickly accepted into the family.

Resolution to Indianapolis found Rossi shortly after returning to the BAU. I suppose we all have a case or two that haunts us, especially if the unsub is never caught. Finding three frightened children huddled in a closet screaming after watching their parents murdered, was his. He left Quantico without telling anyone but Garcia, on the anniversary of that day he found those kids. Hotch was out of town on other business at the time and we weren't on a case, so we decided to go help Rossi. Maybe he was the newest member of our family, but if it was personal to him then it was personal to us as well and we would do what we could to help. It turns out that the unsub had been a mentally handicapped clown for a traveling carnival. Its why there wasn't any murders afterward to continue chasing the unsub. Although the case was now closed, I don't think Rossi found the closure he was looking for. A killer had been put away, but it was easier when the killer was a sadistic monster and not a freak accident that was fueled by confusion and panic.

Divorce seems to be a common denominator for the men in the BAU. Rossi has not one, but three ex-wives. Maybe it was the work that drove them away. Or maybe its ego. Perhaps his very dry wit humor. Possibly a combination of all three. But really, I just don't think he was happy. He probably got married for all the wrong reasons and were doomed to fail before they began. Of course this mere speculation on my part. I would never ask why his marriages never worked. It's really none of my business and I'm sure Rossi would not have a problem telling me so with much more colorful words.

It must have been hard for Rossi to revisit Long Island when we caught a case there. He had left that place behind when he joined the Marines and he had every intention of never going back but I had lied about being cleared to travel to Hotch after being shot in the leg. I wasn't there on the case but I did help work it with Garcia via phone interaction. Rossi knew a guy with mob connections, which came as a surprise to me. His friend, Ray Finnegan, was setting up a take down of the unsub, which turned out to be a hit man. Unfortunately, while waiting the unsub killed Finnegan and disappeared before the strike team went in for the arrest. It turns out a judge was behind hiring the hit man and was taken into to custody but the hit man got away.

Dave and I might not be close, like I am with Morgan or JJ but I do respect him. Even though he took Gideon's spot I still like him. He's a little rough around the edges and can be short with people from time to time but he does care about those around him. I just think he has a hard time showing it. His profiling skills are top notch and his interrogation technique is interesting show to watch. I admire his brilliance and tenacity. He is an excellent addition to the team.


	6. JJ

Author's Note:

Sorry it took so long to update. A short chapter but I think it still turned out okay. Thanks for the reviews and subscriptions!

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March 27, 2011

**Jennifer Jareau:**

JJ is my closest female friend I have. At one time I had a crush on her and I even took her to a Redskins game, her favorite football team. It turns out she saw me like a brother. And while the rejection hurt, I'm glad she was upfront and honest with me. She never led me on and for that I'm thankful. She's the only person who calls me "Spence."

Easily the sweetest person I know and one of the prettiest smiles I have ever seen. JJ grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania. She used her scholarship as a ticket out and never looked back. She never really spoke about her family, but she did tell me she collected butterflies when she grew up.

Actually, I suppose a lot of the team confides in me from time to time. I used to write about them to my mother, but after Fisher King, I've edited my "adventures" to her. I never would have thought that my personal letters would ever be shared with anyone other than my mom otherwise I never would have shared such things to begin with. I feel I betrayed my team in that way and I'm never going to make that mistake again.

One time she told Morgan and me she was afraid of the woods. She jokingly told us a creepy story about being at summer camp and finding a dead body with a knife sticking out. She says she isn't sure why she is afraid of them but I think it's because it reminds of her home. How she had fought to be freed from its confines and in a way, she feels boxed in by the trees. This of course is all conjecture on my part.

The day Hankle got me, JJ was attacked by dogs. I think to this day, dogs still unnerve her. I know she felt responsible for my kidnapping but really, I was the one who broke away from her to go investigate the corn fields. When the team found me she hugged me and apologized and I tried to reassure her that I didn't blame her. I didn't and I don't. I was the one who suggested it and was the one who wanted to wait it out until the team found us.

When we took the case in New Orleans, I knew JJ and the local detective there, William LaMontagne, had a thing for each other. If only because I recognized the look Will's eyes as the same look I had when I first met her. Lucky for Will, she reciprocated. He was a lucky man. I don't know why, but she "secretly" dated him for year. We all knew though. I guess she just wanted some privacy about her personal life, since we share so much else together as a team. She got pregnant and Will and JJ named me the godfather. I was so touched by gesture it almost brought tears to my eyes. I love Henry as if he was my own son and heaven help anyone who ever hurts that boy and I find them first. The two still aren't married and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Will is ready I think, but JJ is still reluctant. I'm not sure why. I've never asked her and I suppose really, it's none of my business.

Although she isn't a profiler, she's pretty proficient with her firearms and often goes in on raids with the team. I think she would make a good profiler if she took the classes to do. I think she likes her job as the media liaison and she doesn't. The reason I say she is proficient with guns is because she proved herself more than capable when she shot the unsub who had almost killed Garcia. When it comes to protection one of our own, no one on our team messes around.

While she may be the most emotional person the team has ever seen, her compassion was what made her good at her job. She was able to bring comfort to families. JJ did amazing things with the media too. She could always get them to hold a story for her, if it was needed. Perhaps she was too good at her job, because eventually she was taken away from us. She got a job with the Pentagon. Like Rossi said, "Our loss is someone else's gain." I still got to see her, because she was still in town but it wasn't the same. The team felt empty without her presence.

We worked with her again briefly while we chased Doyle. JJ has more connections and resources then the BAU had. I often wonder what her clearance level is but I never ask because she probably wouldn't be able to tell me anyway. It was good to work with her again, despite the circumstances that had brought her back. She stopped me from going say goodbye to Emily, so instead I clung to her and cried into her shoulder. She's the only one I feel comfortable hugging for long extended periods of time.

When I'm in town after working, sometimes JJ and I will go out to lunch. She brings Henry with her and I'm amazed at how fast he is growing. A part of me is envious of Will and the family he has with JJ and I wonder if maybe someday I will be able to have a family of my own. For now, I live vicariously through Henry. He quite possibly is the closest thing I will ever have to as a son.


	7. Garcia

Author's Note:

Sorry for the delay between chapters! If you read any of my other stories, then you know that a death in the family destroyed my muse for a couple weeks. But I'm back now! I haven't forgotten about my stories! Thanks for the reviews and subscriptions! Hope you guys like this next entry despite how short it is.

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March 28, 2011

**Penelope Garcia:**

I've never seen a person where so many colors at once. Garcia is a vibrant and bubbly person. And despite the horrors she has to see on her computer screens, she manages to still believe in the good of others. She's the only person on the team, who hasn't let the job jade her in the least. Not to say that she is impervious to the job, she's just resilient in the fact that she always bounces back. No matter what happens, she remains optimistic and energetic.

I don't think Garcia realizes how strong of person she really is. Life hasn't been exactly kind to her. She lost both her parents simultaneously in a car crash. She almost went to jail for getting on a "list" by the FBI and CIA. Instead of arresting her, they recruited and she applied for the position at the BAU. Which of course, she got. She was also shot, and narrowly survived after the bullet barely missed her heart.

Garcia and I are pretty good friends. Like Morgan, she likes to tease me. However, her teasing is a bit different. Hers isn't so, harsh, I guess you could say. But Garcia doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Everything she says and does is good natured. The one person I know, who I honestly don't think could hurt someone else no matter what happened to her. Grant it, we all have that darkness in us. That given the right stressor we'd break but I just can't think of anything that would break her. And if something did manage to get her to snap, then I'm going to say it'd be justified at that point.

Sometimes Garcia comes with us on cases. I don't think she likes it, mainly because the horrors are closer to her and no longer just images on a computer screen. Her computer skills are top notch. I don't know how she types so fast and read so many screens at once. I mean, I can read twenty thousand words a minute but what she can do with computers is ridiculous. It honestly makes my head spin just thinking about it. I used to be perturbed with all the laws she broke when she would hack into other websites to find out information, but now I realize it is a necessary evil. Without half the information she would feed us, I'm pretty sure a lot of cases would go unsolved. She is a huge asset to the team and we are lucky to have her.

I've already addressed her close friend with Morgan, when I did my entry about him so I can skip over it here. Besides Morgan, I'd say her other closest friend is JJ. I think Garcia took her transferring to the Pentagon the hardest. JJ and Garcia spent a lot of time on cases together, when JJ didn't fly with the rest of the team on location. JJ and Will had named Garcia as the godmother of Henry. JJ joked that Garcia and I were in charge of getting Henry into Harvard or Yale.

When JJ left, Garcia tried to fill the role as the media liaison and still be the technical analyst. Given everything she had to do, I think she did a pretty good job of it. But it was a lot of work for one person to do. After all, she was now doing the job of two people. She now shares the responsibilities of JJ's job with Hotch. It was weird when she tried to take on JJ's role. She completely changed herself, in hopes of being and looking more professional since she would be in the eye of the public. But I think she realized that no matter how badly she wanted to, she couldn't change who she was. And really, I don't think anyone one the team would expect or want her to.


	8. Elle

Author's Note:

To make up for the shortness of this chapter, I will be posting another one as well right after this. Elle wasn't in the show long enough to make the entry much longer in my opinion. Think it turned out okay, though.

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March 29, 2011

**Elle Greenway:**

I still think about Elle from time to time. It's been a little over four years since she left the BAU. She hadn't stayed in touch with any of us. Maybe because she had never been close to any of us on the team to begin with. Except perhaps JJ and myself. By the time she left the BAU, she'd become distant, withdrawn and had basically shut us all out.

I don't know that much about her, or her past. Other than she used to work sex crimes in Seattle. That's where the team and I first met her. She had made it clear she had wanted the opening the BAU had and she got it. She was a good addition to the team, although she could be intense at times. Like Morgan, she's competitive and abrasive.

Often I wonder if she hadn't been shot and almost died, if she would still be on the team. It had affected her greatly. Of course, that's to be expected. But instead of dealing with what happened to her, she left control her. Something I understand completely. For awhile, I had let my drug addiction dictate my life. But I'd sought help and she hadn't.

Is it my fault she took the law into her own hands? I'd seen the signs when I found her drinking in her hotel room. I did a few shots with her that night. Why didn't I say something to Hotch or Gideon? To this day, I regret not saying anything. I feel responsible for her actions. I know she chose to do it, but I could have stopped it. I guess I never said anything because I didn't want to betray her confidence. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, as they say. While she had been cleared by investigators and the shooting had been officially declared self defense, we knew the truth. She never admitted it to any of us of course. I suppose that's a secret she will take to her grave.


	9. Seaver

Author's Note:

Here is another short entry. Seaver hasn't been on the show long enough to make any real opinion about her, but I came up with this anyway. Next and final chapter will be longer, I promise. Also, it should be up tomorrow or perhaps later today.

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March 30, 2011

**Ashley Seaver:**

The newest addition to our team. She has a lot to learn still, as she's just finished up her training as a cadet. Prentiss had been the one tasked with showing her the ropes. After Emily's death, Rossi took that role. I think Rossi is the person on the team she's closest too. He looks after her, like a father would a daughter. It reminds me of the days when I first started at the BAU and Gideon took me under his wing.

Garcia teasingly commented I had a crush on her. Okay, she's pretty I'll give you that. But I don't know. She just isn't my type. It isn't because of her secret either. Well, Seaver's secret isn't so secret. Everyone on the team knows that her dad is a convicted serial killer. It just isn't common knowledge to everyone else because she legally changed her name, so the connection isn't made. Anyway, she'd caught me off guard when she asked for specific details about her father's case file. To be honest, I found it a little off putting. That, and I'd been reluctant to say anything and caught a break when the case we were working was progressing and needed our immediate attention. She hasn't asked me about it since and for that I'm thankful. It's not that I don't think she deserves to know, I just wouldn't be comfortable telling her. I get it though, why she wants to know. I was driven by that same need to know when I pursued that case in Vegas about Riley. But the answers didn't really bring me closure. I suppose they never do.

While I don't have a problem with her being on the team, I do find it a little odd. I suppose there are people less qualified to be in the BAU but I'm sure there are also people more qualified. She has a lot to learn still, that's for sure. She seems to doing well so far though. I think in a year or so, she'll be fine. For now though, she is still learning the ropes.


	10. Prentiss

Author's Note:

This is the final chapter. Ending note at the bottom.

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March 31, 2011

**Emily Prentiss:**

Saved this one for last because I knew it'd be the hardest one for me to write. I still miss Emily. I always will. She was a good person and didn't deserve the ending she got. Our team will find Doyle and he will be brought to justice.

I remember when she first came to the team. While it was never confirmed to me personally, I always suspected that she hadn't been okayed by Hotch or Gideon. I think maybe that's why she fought so hard to prove herself to the team. She ended up being pretty close to Morgan and they often went to canvass crime scenes together.

She had joined the shortly before a very difficult time in my life. I almost pushed her away completely with my harsh words. I'd been a drug addict then and to this day I regret the words I spoke to her. And even though she had only known me a few months, she had been completely right about me. I was out of control. I just didn't want to admit to myself, so I had lashed out at her instead. I never apologized to her, another regret to add to the list. I guess apologizing would have been like saying she was right, and I didn't want to admit that to myself either. Eventually we worked past that and while I wasn't close to her like Morgan or JJ, we still respected each other and joked around.

Her mother is a U.S. Ambassador and although the two aren't close, she did come to the BAU for help when someone she knew had been kidnapped. Initially we'd thought it was the Russian mob but it turned out to be the daughter of the man who'd been kidnapped. I could be wrong, but I think that case brought the two a little closer.

I've been in hostage situations more than I'd like, but I guess that's just part of the job. Prentiss and I had been taken hostage by a cult leader Benjamin Cyrus. We'd gone in under the pretense we were social workers, and didn't reveal we really worked for the FBI. Anyway, Cyrus found out that at least one person was a Federal Agent. Prentiss said it was her and she took a beating for it. I was helpless to stop it. It wouldn't have done any good to reveal that we both work for the Bureau. It should have been me that had something, not her. The team ended up coming in because Cyrus wanted his cult to commit mass suicide and so to save lives they had to breach. I never realized how many regrets I have regarding Emily. I wish there was something I could do to rectify this.

Of course my final regret was not being able to say goodbye. JJ hadn't let me. I wanted to but it was probably for the best that I didn't see her like that. Having an eidetic memory is a blessing and a curse, and I definitely didn't need that image forever burned into my head. A little over a month has passed now and we are still looking for Doyle. Well, not officially or actively but our team will not let something like this slide. We will find him and when we will, he'll pay the price.

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Ending Note:

I'm thinking of doing another diary fic, but coming up short on ideas. Ideas are welcome, if you have any. Thanks to all of you who took the time to read and/or review this!


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